On your left, you’ll notice death…
I’ve been thinking about death a lot lately. Not about killing myself, I don’t think I could bring myself to that. I’m far too egotistical for that, suicides never get much publicity. But just about life and death in general.
Read the extended for my ramblings, it’s too long here and would break my layout.
I think it’s fair to say that right now my life is in a rut. I’m in a job (that in almost 2 years have done nothing but cut my hours) with a paycheck that won’t get me anywhere fast. An apartment in a city that moves at the same pace and friends who move completely backwards.I always told myself growing up I was going to get out and do something awesome. Well, this is far from awesome.
So to help myself (or try) I tried thinking “If I had a week to live I’d…”. Well that led me to a lot of different things. I’d travel. I’d love to go places and see things. So that made me think of the movie EuroTrip. The basic plot is kids graduate high school, do a tour of Europe, have a blast, then go to collage. It’s a funny movie, but comparing it to myself is pathetic. Lets compare some incidents with myself:
Movie – Me
Graduate high school: Big drunken bash – I had a small party with family and didn’t drink until I was of age.
Go to Europe – Nope, Florida is the furthest I’ve been from home.
Went to a nude beach – Nope, haven’t even gone to that many beaches at all.
Hitchhiked – Nope.
Ate hash brownies – Have never done drugs.
Went to a sex club – No, haven’t been to a strip club either.
Took a really long train ride – Some what, but it was only 1 train so didn’t get the chance to miss a train.
Got hit on by a creepy Italian guy – Oh yay, one point! Ugg.
Got mugged while having sex in an alley – Have never been mugged nor have I had sex in public.
Got completely shit faced at a bar and made out with his sister – Haven’t been completely shit faced (anywhere) nor have I made out at a bar.I’m going to completely ignore the sister part, that’s one aspect I don’t want to do.
Hooked up with somebody over the Internet – I guess you can say I have, but I wouldn’t say that since I know somebody offline who knew her offline.
Got confused for the pope – Nope.
Went to collage – Nope.
I think that’s it. So besides one, I really haven’t had any of those experiences. I want to do at least some of those things. Traveling costs money, which I don’t have. Collage costs money and a goal in life to work towards, neither of which I have. Getting completely shit faced and making out with a stranger at a bar needs money and good looks: lacking those too!
So the common factor here is money. Well how would I get more money? Get a better job or move up in my current job. Since the later seems impossible, I’d need an education to get a better job. Education costs money. So I’m stuck with this job or something lower.
I decided about a month ago now “Well life sucks, I’ll try drinking it away. Beer always solves problems on TV.” That lasted a week before the hang overs got to me. So that was a shitty way out and I still have a dozen beer to go through in my fridge.
So the “If I had a week to live…” question, lets say I acted on it now knowing I’m not dying. I go out, blow the small savings I have. That week I have the time of my life then I’m going to be stuck living from pay check to pay check for the rest of my life. But at least I’ll have known that I did something. Well, that option was put before me recently for a few months from now. Get my ass out of here, head over the UK and be hammered for a week straight. But then when the week is over I have just enough money to come back to the same life I’m in now wishing I wasn’t here again.
Fuck. I don’t know. My lease is up the same time that this ‘killer week’ would be happening. So I could go off, sell everything I can’t carry on my back, head over to the UK and see what happens when I’m over there. I know, it’s crazy talk. I wish i had some better answers. I’m sick of listening to people telling me to have fun but keep a level head. The problem is I can’t have fun because I have a level head. I’m not happy here, I have to do something to change it. We’ll see. I’m sure I’m going to be a coward and end up passing and living yet another year in this hollow existence. Some advice would be fantastic.
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