Ticked Tuesday
Ticked Tuesday: Google
Yes, it’s on Saturday, it’s a special edition
I’m mad. Like Really mad here, enough to actually put down Google itself and write a Ticked Tuesday on a Saturday, so here’s the story.
I use Google Apps with my domains, it manages all of my emails and makes calendars and docs a little be easier to share when needed. Normally, this is awesome. I also access my personal email through my phone (though apps, so still gives a general gMail interface when access on my computer). Up until yesterday, this worked great I just used pop to get everything. Then they added in a little damn button of fucking-retarded.
Now, under Settings->Forwarding and POP/IMAP You have to select to enable POP. Well would have been nice if they let us know. When my email just stops working on my phone, I assume by default it’s my service provider. So they say they’re fine, Google should always be fine. An hour later I find the button.
Short form: Let us know when you decide to be asshats or at least leave the stuff that we previously had enabled as they are when you decide to give us the option to turn it off, thanks.
Ticked Tuesday: Dear Questioning Customers
Why do you even bother talking to me? I mean seriously. I’m in activations, we want yours service, we want your money and will do everything next to ‘putting out’ to do that. So why on earth would I bother lying to you? I mean seriously, do I look like customer care?
If you call up telling me you talked to somebody earlier and want to pay us now and get it going, I’m totally for that. But when you don’t give me ANY of the right information for the number I can’t very well do that for you. But then to question my integrity and tell me I’m not seeing what I am is quite annoying. I mean I’ve looked for you through the phone number you gave me, your name, your SSN, your friend’s name whose account it’s supposed to be on and you’re still not there: You’re not telling me something.
Long story short, I have to create the new account with a new number for you or you’re not getting anything, sorry Babe.
Have a T-riffic day,
Jeff
Ticked Tuesday: Dear Sick People
You’re not very nice. No, I’m not talking about you sick people with cancer, I’m talking about those people who get sick with the flu or a cold and go around giving it to other people. Not only giving it to them, but coughing all over the place, sitting closer than lovers and did I mention coughing all over the place?
I’m honestly quite upset right now at you, because now I’m sick. I never get sick. And tomorrow is Halloween at that and I have no voice. Were it not for my natural nice personality I would kill you and your entire family for this. Twice.
Next time you’re sick do us all a favor and go sit in a corner wearing a bio-hazard suit. Or better yet, just stay home. Asshole.
Boogers and snot,
Jeff
Ticked Tuesday: Dear American Phone Companies
You suck. Why the hell do you have better mobile plans at better prices than we (as Canadians) do? Right now I pay about $40/month for 150 anywhere-anytime (local/long distance). T-Mobile (which is unavailable here) had 600 minutes for the same price. I’m not one to say it often but HOLY SHIT! That’s a big difference. And that plan at t-mobile also includes unlimited nights and weekends, which mine doesn’t. I’m getting royally fucked here.
I know you’re thinking “Don’t be mad at me, be mad at the company who is ripping you off” but I’m totally not. You guys are setting really high standards. I mean giving people a good deal for their money, being nice on the phone, and actually giving a shit about your customers is just too high of a standard to set. Not everybody can be human you know!
That said: raise your prices, give them really bad customer service and start treating the customers like the pointless numbers they are! Don’t make me call your mother (collect and long distance)!
I got your number, gonna make you mine,
Jeff
Ticked Tuesday: Dear Insulting Halloween Items
Get the F out of my holiday! (GTFOMH) No, I’m not talking about vulgarity, or blood, or pictures of people’s faces that squirt blood out of the eye sockets; I’m talking to you god-damn-mother-fucking ‘cute’ items. All of those ghosts holding candy baskets smiling, all of those purple and orange skeletons with the hats on and ESPECIALLY those little teddy bears with pumpkin heads. Teddy bears have no place in Halloween!
If you’re going to decorate for Halloween, make it scary or creepy or eerie. Halloween is supposed to scare you and put you on edge of your nerves. It’s not supposed to be bright, friendly and fun for the whole family. I mean I’m all for taking kids trick-or-treating, but if your kid is a little pussy it’s not going to be wise to take them up to the door of the house with tombstones on the front lawn. If you don’t want to get spooked, just stay inside like you do every other night.
Boo-bye,
Jeff
P.S. The “Cute Ban” (as it will now be called) does not apply to costumes, but solely decorations. If you want to dress your kids up as care bears, all the power to you.
Ticked Tuesday: Dear Bad-Timing
Why do you always show up where you’re not wanted? Is there somebody that calls you up and says “Hey, we’re OK here can you come fuck it up?” I mean seriously, where the hell do you come from?
Lets take for instance the latest issue: writing this post. Any day of the week EXCEPT for today I could think of at least one thing that is annoying me, but today when everything has gone right and I can’t think of anything: It’s Tuesday. Why couldn’t you have let today be Monday or Wednesday, I’m sure I could have come up with something then. How dare you bless me with a good mood on the day that I’m supposed to be vengeful.
So in conclusion I think if you and I want to have a healthy relationship we have to set some boundaries, or we’re going to have to stop talking. The main one being not to show up when you’re not wanted. If you can do that, we’ll be BFFs. If not, sucks to be you.
See ya soon (or not),
Jeff
P.S. I hope you get this when you’re having a good day so that it makes you sad. Go go irony!
Ticked Tuesday: Why won’t you people just go die?
It’s fitting that I get so erk’d about this on a Tuesday. Maybe I’m taking Eggo’s gig for the week?
Anyhow, I really am hoping that all these crazy ass feminist bitches go die. I mean, we can vote, we can wear crazy slutty clothes anywhere we want, we can be like britney and go flashing our va-jay-jay all over hell’s half acre if we wanted to. (not that I do, so don’t ask.) Yet we can’t enjoy Disney Princesses because they’re a bad influence to young girls and provide an unrealistic image.
What. The. Fuck.
Look morons, IT’S A FUCKING CARTOON. I don’t know about anyone else, but I can honestly say that when I was watching Beauty and the Beast 14 years ago I was NOT thinking “boy, I can’t wait to be a french girl and fall in love with bigfoot”. And quite frankly, if your kid IS thinking that, there is something more wrong with them than a couple disney movies.
Also, I’m just annoyed with these crazy femibitches going on about how slutty the Disney princesses look. Strange, I didn’t know FLOOR LENGTH GOWNS and gloves were slutty. (well, I’ve seen the Tudors, but thats beside the point..) Granted, Ariel is a little bare, but she’s a mermaid. You try swimming in a floor length gown. I’ve never done it, but it would be a bit difficult. And again, if your kid is a mermaid, more issues than a disney movie. And yes, I know the argument “But it’s how they LOOK at you!”. Bullshit. They’re cartoon characters. If you’re looking for a cartoon character to seduce you, move to japan. I hear they really dig that shit over there.
In conclusion, the whole femibitch hatred of Disney is getting old. They’re not pedophiles (for the most part), they’re not trying to lure your children into prostitution, and they’re not ruining the ability for children to be children. Most of these characters are as old as you bitches are. Get over it.
Ticked Tuesday: Dear Web 2.0
FUCK YOU! I mean, Hi. No wait, I meant fuck you. There’s no nice way of putting this, but you pushed the wrong buttons and I hate you. I’ve been around the internet for nearly a decade now and the only reason it has lasted that long is because there were people on the other side of the computer keeping me here, thus the ‘net’ part of the term ‘Internet’, the network. Just because you’re just catching on doesn’t mean that it’s new, you’re just slow.
Communication and networking as always been the driving factor, no matter what ‘version’ of the web you’re using. Weblogs, chat rooms, forums, and instant messaging tools have all been created solely for the purpose of sharing data and networking with other people. If you think that websites were created and left as they were without multiple people contributing then you’re foolish. What is it that turns EVERYTHING online into ‘web 2.0′? Honestly I’m sick of seeming the term. Every blog now has a big “2.0!” written on it now. Did they actually change anything? Nope, but ‘web 2.0′ is all the rage these days. Every marketing asshole now says their product is made for web 2.0 yet there is no change from the same crap they’ve been producing before, they just added an ‘email us’ button at the bottom.
Just because everybody and their dog can now point and click to have their own ‘website’ doesn’t mean that we’re in a new version of the web, it just means we’ve lowered our standards. Saying that all this new crap is 2.0 means that there is a distinguishing difference from the older 1.0 stuff. Aside from the lack of intelligence and creativity required for internet use I haven’t noticed anything change.
As the net gets bigger people find more ways to organize it. All of these social networking and bookmarking sites are just that. They’re not creating a new product, they’re simply adding on. Because the internet isn’t a stable thing, you can’t define the difference between versions. You’re dumb.
Plugging my peripherals into your motherboard,
Jeff
Ticked Tuesday: Dear Dentist
I’m sorry for…doing whatever it is that I did that pissed you off. I’m not really sure what I did that upset you, but I’m sure it must have been horrible for you since you’ve been treating me like crap the moment I met you.
The first time I met you I was on my back with a rubber glove in my mouth, so I think it’s a fair assumption that you can’t be upset that I was unable to greet you and shake your hand. You addressed me by my last name, without even a title, which was kind of rude. I can understand having to be professional, but a ‘Mr.’ was the least you could do given that I’m paying you almost $100 for the 5 minutes that you’re actually in the room.
Aside from the first impression that you gave me, I tried to be as nice as possible since I was hoping you’d help me out with my tooth problem. I was even going so far as hoping that after you looked inside my mouth and saw your new convertible in there that you’d be a little more friendly. It was a shame though you were still an asshole.
Oh well, I guess you can’t be nice to everybody who is going to be paying you almost a grand huh? What kind of world would we live in if we showed people some respect and treated them like people. Maybe in your mixed up world if I had an affair with your wife you’d give me a little more respect. Or maybe, just maybe, we weren’t meant to be friends and that makes my heart sad. But gives my middle finger an erection.
Hope you don’t reproduce,
Jeff
Ticked Tuesday: Dear Customer
This is just a friendly reminder that you owe me 5 minutes. You don’t have to pay it right now, but if you could get it to me by the end of the month it would be great. 
.
In case you forgot, I was standing behind you in line the other day at Wal-Mart when you took more than 3 minutes to get the money from your pocket to the cashier. I completely understand that with both that $25 box set of One Tree Hill and $1.14 pack of gum you couldn’t do the mental math in your head to get the money ready. The fact that you were standing in line for 15 minutes waiting to get to the cashier isn’t even worth mentioning (it’s not like I’d expect you to do something besides play with yourself while standing in line after all)
Who in their right mind would want to show that they have money on them? You’d stick out from everybody else in line waiting to pay for their items with crazy actions like that. Everybody knows that the two feet from where you were standing isn’t nearly as safe a place to show that you have to count out 73 cents worth of pennies as directly in front of the cashier.
I’ll let you get back to your busy day, just wanted to send you a little reminder. I’m sure you have a lot to do between watching your soap operas and complaining that all 7 of your ‘despectfool kiz’ keep calling you an unemployed, overweight whore. At least you still get the child payments from one of the five baby-daddy’s right? You can always pop another one out when the next season comes out on DVD, it’s not like tax payers money is better spent elsewhere or anything.
Keep reaching for the stars,
Jeff
P.S. Don’t worry, Even though I got to the bus stop just in time to see the bus drive away I only had to wait 45 minutes to catch the next one. Bitch.